No Greater Reward

This die to serve thing is hard. Ten years ago I was wrestling with what it means to truly die to myself to serve. I started writing to really capture some things God was showing me along the way. Today I am looking back. I am wondering if I have learned anything? Will I ever start living like there is no greater reward? Living like it’s not just for me? Oh sure, I've blogged about it and I really try not to post a blog until I am willing to put my own flesh to it. But, it is easy to talk about stuff and much harder to be disciplined enough to actually die to serve.

If I am really honest I constantly have to filter my life through the fact that I am entitled to nothing. I own nothing and I am nothing apart from Him. We live in a world that increasingly tells us we are entitled. We are entitled to a good job if we go to college, we are entitled to health insurance if we hold down that job, and we are entitled to a bonus if we go above and beyond. And I am sure most of us are just fine with a world that says, “Thank you for accomplishing all you did this year. You deserve this great reward for producing such amazing results!”

But what happens when the rules change? What happens when I am challenged to actually remember that I am entitled to nothing and am owed nothing? What happens when I am told, “Thank you for doing such a great job? You exceeded our expectations and the results of your blood, sweat and tears led to us making our goals this year. So do you know what we are going to do? We are going to give you and all of your co-workers the same reward. No matter who they are. Isn't that great?”

Even the ones who don’t try? Even the ones who don’t care? Even the ones who don’t bother showing up on time? Even the ones who do their own thing? Who stand around while others get it done?

Even them.

At that moment do I not look back at all of my hard work and effort and start fighting an inward battle that proclaims, “That’s not fair?” Do I not start comparing myself to the people around me trying to measure their performance against mine? How is it that a person that has contributed at 5% is entitled to the same reward as one that has quadrupled those results? And suddenly there is an “I” in team. Suddenly I did something on my own to get there. Suddenly I am entitled.

And it is the strangest thing. I could care less about a reward while I am working. It isn't what motivates or drives me to serve. I don’t even mind working harder or smarter for those who are not there yet. But the minute payment is being rendered do I not expect it to be fair?

When will I start living like there is no greater reward? When will I stop worrying about who gets the reward as if there is something better out there? When will I remember that it isn't about who gets the payment but about my life being the payment? What am I willing to do? How far am I willing to go? No matter what! No matter who!

This is who Jesus is. He didn't stop and say, “This isn't fair. I shouldn't have to lay down my life for all these no good sinners not wanting to follow the law.” He was willing to endure the cost as a payment for all. Not just for me.

Mother's Day Unspoken

For so many years Mother's Day was a hard day. A day of wonder. A day of sorrow. A day of pain. A day of longing. A day of questioning. A day of conflict. For so many years this was a day a little girl wrote a card to her mom who held her tight and kissed her goodnight and then went to be alone in her room to cry.

Through quiet tears she asked herself, "Who am I? How did I come to be? Why was I even born? What's wrong with me? Does she love me? Does she think about me? What does she look like? Does she look like me?"

This little girl loved her mom who held her tight and kissed her goodnight but there were so many unanswered questions flooding her aching heart. She wondered why her first mom let her go. She longed to know her too. Longed to be with her. Longed to hear her voice. Longed to tell her Happy Mother's Day.

For so many years this was a day of silent heartache, shame, conflict and even guilt. But this year it is a day to celebrate all of the Mother's Days unspoken. No longer having to wonder. No longer having to question. No longer having to be silent. This year, through tears, I am full of joy for the chance to get to know her, too. To have had the chance to be with her and to hear her voice telling me, I am loved. I am grateful for the privilege of telling both of my mom's Happy Mother's Day and thank you for my life. I am honored to be loved by two beautiful women. I wouldn't be who I am without both of you, and I love you dearly.

If you are someone that was separated from your birth mom and Mother's Day is a hard day I want you to know that it is ok to wonder. To experience pain even in the midst of being loved greatly by others in your life. It is a loss in your life that cannot be made up for by someone else loving you enough. Allow yourself to grieve, but know this: there is nothing "wrong" with you. Never think for one minute that you weren't planned. You were fearfully and wonderfully made. You are loved and you are thought of every day!!!

The Incredible Gift of Authentic Wealth

Several years ago my family had the opportunity to talk with a young man at a skate park in Fullerton, California. If you don’t know anything about Fullerton let me first start by saying that it isn’t your typical showboat community of Orange County. The skate park was covered in graffiti and gang activity is definitely present throughout the community. As we approached the skate park this young man befriended us and took to enjoying my son Brady “shredding it” on the ramps.

It was easy to notice he wasn’t your “model citizen” (whatever that means). However, this guy was authentic and had an ability to be real and share like no one I have ever met. As he began to share where his life was at, it was very clear that drugs were in his system. He began to share of his dreams to be clean and sober and how he had been using for quite some time. He was able to kick his two year heroin addiction by skating all day long to keep himself busy. He still, however, struggled to stay away from pot that so frequents the skate parks and places he hangs out.

We learned that he had lost his job because he had to go to jail for a misdemeanor and was now living in a cold weather shelter. He was hoping to get into a 6 month program soon and had applied to several. He had been in and out of the hospital 6 or 7 times in the past year because he struggles with bipolar manic depression.

Yet, there among all that he had faced, was hope. There was faith and there was love in this young man more than I have ever seen.  By the world’s standards he had nothing. By the world’s view he was nothing. But he was richer than most would ever dare to be.

He began to show Brady some moves on the skate park, and his face lit up as Brady successfully tried the things he was teaching him. He was giving Brady free skate lessons wanting nothing in return. He was happy to share his passion with Brady just to see the joy on Brady's face. As we talked with him more, my husband asked him about his dreams and what he wants to do with his life. He had an overwhelming desire to teach kids not to do what he did and to stay away from drugs. He missed out on the birth of his sister’s first child and his grandfather’s death because he was in jail. We had the opportunity to listen to his plan to go into the Marines after he is done with a 6 month program.

Before we left he said “I have something for you, be stoked!” All this time we were talking to him I kept asking God to show me what we could do for him. I wanted to help him, but every way I thought to tangibly help I knew would only cause him more temptation. He walked away and a few minutes later came back with his own skate deck he had set up with larger wheels. It was his way of getting around town. He insisted we take it for Brady and we assured him that Brady had decks and didn’t need it. He was so excited to give it to Brady because he loved watching Brady on the park, and he believed that if he gave of what he had that something good would come back to him. He was giving all he had, trusting that he wouldn’t be without something better if he did. After much pushing by him and refusing by us we finally relented. We decided we couldn’t refuse this young man’s joy of wanting to bless Brady.

We then asked him if there was a place to get food close by thinking the least we could do would be to buy him lunch or something. His response was eye opening and honestly it rocked my world. He began offering to take us to the store and buy us groceries and stuff for sandwiches. This young man, who had “nothing” was richer than anyone I have ever met. He was ready to spend what little money he had in order to feed us. What an incredible gift to give yourself away in this manner. I pray that our friend does find sobriety and manages to fulfill his dreams. I would say he is a lot closer than most of us who appear to have it all together. Most of us won’t think about helping those who really need it, let alone those who don’t. Our closest friends often don’t get the treatment that this young man gave to us.

As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy. They are to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future, so that they may take hold of that which is truly life.

1 Timothy 6:17-19