A New Way To Dream

Today marked an unbelievable day in my life. When my husband and I married almost twenty years ago we were half way through our first four years of college and we believed in the American dream. We had planned to finish school in two more years; both land professional jobs, buy a house and then have two children, possibly a third after the first two were a little older. It didn’t take us long to realize we had bought into a lie.

 

Two months into our marriage we found out we were going to have our first child. We were so thrilled and when we met him in our 11^th month of marriage God began to show us through our son’s tiny hands and feet what God’s dream was for us. People began to doubt I would finish school, but of course I was determined to continue and earn my bachelor’s degree despite any naysayers.

 

So there we were a family, both of us in school fulltime, my husband having to work waiting tables and me staying home to care for our new baby. We carefully studied the course catalog each quarter to set up our schedules opposite of each other and often had to hand our son off to each other between our classes. We made it work and continued through sleepless nights with a newborn and papers to write. The next year I did graduate and receive my diploma. My husband’s degree took a bit more time so he was still in school and I was trying to find that professional job the financial aid office told me I would land. My loans quickly became due and I still did not have any offers for jobs in my field, let alone one that would pay enough to put our much loved son in daycare. And then we got pregnant with baby number two.

 

After he was born I stayed home with our two boys and my husband worked and continued in school committed to finishing his degree so at least he could provide for our family with his “professional” income. With student loan money helping us through we managed to make it work and then a few months later I started getting really sick. Our oldest was not quite three and our baby was 6 months old. I had no insurance due to my unemployment, but had to go to the doctor. The doctor quickly informed me why I was feeling so ill. I was pregnant with number three. After asking the doctor to repeat that several times, I went home in our small car, to our small two bedroom apartment and told my husband that we were going to have another child.

 

Three kids in three and a half years. Now people were really talking. They would ask us if we knew how this happens. They couldn’t believe that we would have another baby at a time like this. They would talk about our birth control methods and let us know their opinion on whether this baby was God’s will or our stupidity. My husband began working at his internship while still in school and working as a server at night. After working two jobs while in school, having three children in a two bedroom apartment, sharing one small car and accruing more student loans he finally graduated five years into our marriage! This was our American dream and it had only just begun.

 

My husband began his search for his professional job and our loans became due. Making only $18,000 that year with a family of five and no longer receiving financial aid we put our loans on forbearance not sure what else to do. After a year he found a part-time job in his profession and we moved across the state for an $11,000 a year job. I suppose normal people don’t do that but God had provided so much and we knew He was in this all the way. We watched doors being opened in front of us and closed behind us in amazing ways. We had no control over it and it was completely scary and beautiful all and the same time. We ended up moving again the next year and God provided again. We had promises made to us by employers that we not kept. We had zero pennies to our name many of days. But God would show up. In the middle of all the chaos He was faithful. There were many times that I wished a generous fountain of money would just open up and rain out of the sky so we could have a nice home with two cars, a full time job with a professional salary and our student loan debt paid in full. But, we were not living the American Dream. We were living God’s dream for us which is way more beautiful.

 

Twenty-two years ago we enter college at eighteen years old thinking nothing could stop us from living the life we always wanted and believing a lie. We were told we would have great jobs when we finished college and taking out student loans wasn’t really a big deal because we could easily pay them back when we were done with school. None of that happened like that for us. God had a much greater plan to show us Himself. We learned to never give up because He never gave up on us. When other people had their say He remained faithfully by our side. We learned to be generous because He has given us everything we have without question. We learned that He is good and only good even when it seemed like there was no good to be found. He has given us an overwhelming abundance of joy through trusting in Him and not the false securities of this world.

 

Today marks a day that my husband and I will always remember. We thought today would never come. After having four beautiful children and moving our family four times, each with its own set of challenges, in an attempt to find a way to this day, it is finally here. We are overwhelmed with God’s goodness, faithfulness and generosity. Because today is the day the Lord has made a way for us to pay off our student loans. Our student loan debt is paid in full and I am so grateful for a God that showed us a new way to dream.

 

A Parent's Love Cannot Be Explained

Some things cannot be explained. Like how a mother feels about her children or the lengths she would go just to be near them. To embrace them. To care for them. She would drive to the ends of the earth just to lay her eyes upon theirs; to know they are alright. She would spend every penny she had to hug them one more time; to feel a part of them deep within her very soul.

Father, how did you do it? How did you let him go? How did you endure the pain and the hole in your heart while he was apart from you? Was it for me that you chose to suffer the separation from your child? You have given me a chance to have life with you. To be embraced by you. To know you. I cannot believe how I have made this into a vacation. I cannot believe how selfish I have been. I cannot believe that I could not see how deep your love is for me. That it would compel you to lose your child on the account of adopting one that would spit on him and pervert his name.

You would go that far and I just sit back and complain about the cost of following you there. I grumble about how I must wait on you, often without the luxuries I would like to have. I make it seem like I am the one who has to sacrifice and that you are lucky to have me even show up. I treat it like it is a vacation and that I am here for myself. Is it because I believe that what I am going to get out of it is paradise? But God forbid if it rains at all. Have I somehow reduced a life spent with you and made it about the conditions, the event and the experience? Do I just wonder when I will get to bask in the sun, go shopping about the town or enjoy an ice tea from my room with a view?

But you, Father, you made it about a relationship. You have taken me by the hand and taught me that the treasure isn’t found in where I go or what I might see along the way. The treasure is found in simply being reconciled with the one who gave me life. Like a mother who longs to just simply be in the presence of her children no matter the cost. Could it be that the real treasure to be found is in the costly but warm embrace of a kind and loving parent? One that would go to the ends of the earth to turn me around to lay His eyes upon mine. Could it be found in the very one willing to pay it all just to be with me?

Some things cannot be explained. Like how a mother feels about her children or the lengths she would go just to be near them. Father, thank you for going these lengths for me.

Calling Home

As my family sat in church a few Sundays ago, my husband’s phone lit up with an incoming call. I looked down and saw “Kyle” on the face of his phone and then looked at my husband. With overwhelming joy in my heart I whispered, “Go and answer it!”

We wait for that call every week now. Kyle is our first born son who left in November to join the military. He is still in training and at most he gets to call home now once a week. We long to hear his voice and to hear how he is doing. All week he is told when to get up, where to stand, how to stand, when to move and how to move, and then for a few hours once a week he gets a pass. On pass he is free to do whatever he wants with this time. Okay, it’s the military so it’s not whatever he wants but still he has a little freedom. He can go hang out with the other soldiers, go to the store or use his phone. This time it hit me that he is free to choose how he spends that time. He could spend it however he wants and he chooses to call home and talk to us. Wow.

As I thought about it, I found myself overwhelmed by God and His love for me . As people we all sin. And at some point in our lives we have been slaves to that sin. We end up feeling like my son who is being controlled by the US Army. We have no freedom. We are imprisoned and sin is our master drill sergeant. But Jesus came to set us free from that bondage and when we put our faith, hope and whole lives into His hands he gives us freedom. A non-controlling freedom to do whatever we want. But what do we do? Do we go on sinning just like before because we are forgiven and God will and can forgive us again? Do we put filthy rags back on and declare we are temples? Or do we call home and talk to our Father and hear His voice say our name? Do we use our freedom to rest in Him? To hear Him say, “I love you. I am proud of you, son, because you are beautifully and wonderfully made.”

We have the freedom to call home and talk to our Father. Not just on a pass that will end after a few hours, like my son when he calls us, but an endless freedom to be at home resting in Him for an eternity. I don’t know about you, but for me I don’t want go back to how I was before I had His freedom. His way brings life and joy, meaning, and purpose, and fills me in ways sin never could. His freedom pours out kindness, love and compassion. He is present in the mist of my suffering and the source of all of my joy. Whether I have a four hour pass or the rest of my life to give, I want to give it all to Him. I can only picture the look on our Father’s face when He sees us calling His name. Overwhelming.

Calling Home

As my family sat in church a few Sundays ago, my husband’s phone lit up with an incoming call. I looked down and saw “Kyle” on the face of his phone and then looked at my husband. With overwhelming joy in my heart I whispered, “Go and answer it!”

We wait for that call every week now. Kyle is our first born son who left in November to join the military. He is still in training and at most he gets to call home now once a week. We long to hear his voice and to hear how he is doing. All week he is told when to get up, where to stand, how to stand, when to move and how to move, and then for a few hours once a week he gets a pass. On pass he is free to do whatever he wants with this time. Okay, it’s the military so it’s not whatever he wants but still he has freedom. He can go hang out with the other soldiers, go to the store or use his phone. Today it hit me that he is free to do whatever he would like. He could do whatever he wants and he chooses to call home and talk to us. Wow.

I found myself overwhelmed by God and His love for me as I thought about it. As people we all sin. And at some point in our lives we have been slaves to that sin. We end up feeling like my son who is being controlled by the US Army. We have no freedom. We are imprisoned and sin is our master drill sergeant. But Jesus came to set us free from that bondage and when we put our faith, hope and whole lives into His hands he gives us freedom. A non-controlling freedom to do whatever we want. But what do we do? Do we go on sinning just like before because we are forgiven and God will and can forgive us again? Do we put filthy rags back on and declare we are temples? Or do we call home and talk to our Father and hear His voice say our name? Do we use our freedom to rest in Him? To hear Him say, “I love you. I am proud of you, son, because you are beautifully and wonderfully made.”

We have the freedom to call home and talk to our Father. Not just on a pass that will end after a few hours, like my son when he calls us, but an endless freedom to be at home resting in Him for an eternity. I don’t know about you but for me I don’t want go back to how I was before I had His freedom. His way brings life and joy, meaning and purpose, and fills me in ways sin never could. His freedom pours out kindness, love and compassion. He is present in the mist of my suffering and the source of all of my joy. Whether I have a four hour pass or the rest of my life to give I want to give it all to Him. I can only picture the look on my Father’s face when He sees us calling His name. Overwhelming.

 

 

"That's not nice."

One day my daughter came home from a middle school Christian youth gathering. I asked her how it went and she began to describe something all too familiar. My daughter explained that during discussion groups one of the young girls began talking about how she really cannot stand these two girls at school. The girls were mean to her and she really hated them for it.

This probably happens in every social circle in middle school. This is not new and certainly everyone alive has faced feeling hatred for someone who is mean to them. So I asked my daughter, “So what did the leader say to her?” My daughter told me that the leader told the young girl, “That’s not nice.”

Ugh.

I often found this difficult with my own children; to tell them that their behavior wasn’t right without looking into their hearts. To correct them by telling them, “That’s not nice.” However, to truly understand their behavior I must start with looking into their hearts and helping them see their true identity. They are children of God defined by the finished work of Jesus and who they are in Christ begins shaping what they do.

I grieved for this young girl who was opening up about her life. She chose to come into her community group that night and confess the struggling in her heart. Maybe she said it nasty and maybe she wasn’t being “nice”, but I wondered what the church would be like if we responded differently to honesty. I wondered how this young girl viewed her identity in Christ, and I wondered what would happen if she were to respond to these mean girls out of that identity.

Let us believe for a moment that this young girl knew that it was “not nice” to hate people and that is why she opened up. Let us just believe that she wanted to change and that telling someone of her struggle would free her and would allow her to love these “mean” girls. That her small group would understand her struggle. That this gathering would be a safe place to not pretend to be “nice” but to admit when sin was invading her heart. That her group would sharpen and encourage her to live in His righteousness and not her own. In His strength and not her own. That they would point her in the direction of her true identity when the world was trying to tell her lies about it.

It isn’t about being nice or not being nice. It is about giving ourselves to the only one that resisted retaliation of people who were mean. The only one who could overcome temptation and the only one who can heal us from the guilt and the shame that causes us to hide and pretend. Let’s believe for a moment that what this young girl was doing was being honest and that what she didn’t need was a reminder that she is “not nice” but a reminder that Jesus’ love for her is overwhelming. That He paid it all and now she is free to love even those who are mean because they are not her identity. Jesus is.

DieToServe: Reconcile

DieToServe: Reconcile: There they were staring at me like a beacon in the face. I have read these words before. I have even quoted them. But there they were in Romans 5...

Reconcile

There they were staring at me like a beacon in my face. I have read these words before. I have even quoted them. But there they were in Romans 5, “For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for the righteous person-though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die- but God shows his love for us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” I have believed these words for myself. They remind me how much God loves me and how great His love is for all of His people. He died. And not just for me. But He didn’t just die. He conquered death so that I could be reconciled to Him and to give me life.

And yet who am I willing to go to? Who am I willing to die for? Who am I willing to give life to? Would I be willing to sacrifice in order to reconcile with them? Would I be willing to die to myself to serve them? What can wash away my sin? “Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” What can wash away their sin? “Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” Do I believe that? If I did would I worry about my pride? Would I go to even my enemies like Christ did and die for them so they may have life. His sacrificial love not only redeems my life, it reconciles me to Him. So why would I be at odds with anyone? Why wouldn’t I choose reconciliation?

Why would I choose to sit back thinking my enemy wronged me so they should come to me? They should be the one to say they are sorry. They should humble themselves in front of me because they hurt me. They sinned against me. I even want other people to know that they were unkind to me. That they are not as nice as others might think they are. I want everyone to know that, what? That they are sinners? Ha! So am I. Is it not the blood and nothing but the blood? Did it not cover all sin but only those I commit against others? While I was still a sinner Christ died for me. He came to me. He rescued me, from my guilt and shame. From my darkness and despair. He brought me from death to life.

Christ didn’t wait for the wrong to come to Him. He didn’t ask the sinner to clean up his mess before He forgave him. He broke in and was willing to die in our place displaying the ultimate sacrifice. A fragrant love offering poured out for all in order to give life and to reconcile us back to the unity we once had in Him.

So, who am I willing to go to? Who am I willing to die for? Who am I willing to give life to? Would I be willing to sacrifice in order to reconcile with them? Would I be willing to die to myself to serve them? What can wash away my sin? “Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” What can wash away my brother or sister’s sin? “Nothing but the blood of Jesus.” So let me humbly go before my brother and let me humbly go before my sister and ask them to forgive me for the anger I have felt towards them. For we are all sinners who are only justified by the blood of Jesus Christ.