The Cry of WHY?

As a child I grew up learning that asking, “Why?” was a bad idea. I often asked it one too many times when my parents got mad at me and sent me to my room and it usually earned me a spanking. I generally just didn’t understand what I did wrong, but I learned that during parental wrath it was rarely a good idea to ask why.

As an adult I have learned that asking why questions most often leads to disappointment. Think about it. Every time you ask why someone is a certain way or does a certain thing you are left feeling more frustrated than you were before because you still don’t get it. Usually we really don’t want to know the answer to many of the why questions we ask, especially when it pertains to the world and its people. We generally want the answer to simply justify that our way is the right way of doing things and everyone else is, well, let’s just say…dumb.

I guess we are trained from an early age not to ask too many questions. We learn that it either leads to disappointment in how we look at people or we remember what it was like to ask our parents why when we were in trouble.

Could that be why we want to put a bow around our worship when we come to God? Is that why we try to pretend everything is “just fine?” Do we think we cannot question and ask God, “Why?” Why cancer? Why job loss? Why war? Why did I get stuck working with the crazy co-worker, again? Why was I from an abusive family? Why did you let those bad things happen to me as a child? Why hunger? Why rape? Why poverty? Why death?

There are times that I have not felt like jumping for joy. I could not put my blinders on and pretend that I wasn’t hurting in real ways. I could not proclaim that God is good. I could not see a reason for the pain and suffering around me. Just like Job I began wrestling, doubting, and questioning. I tried to pretend everything was “fine” but it wasn’t. Nothing made sense and the more I pretended to have all of the answers the more I wrestled. The more I sought out the answers on my own the more questions I seemed to have.

Pretending never works with God much like it never worked for me as a child to pretend I understood why I was being sent to my room. After my 30 minute time out my parents would inevitably come into my room and ask me, “Do you know why you are in here?” And I would respond at that point with either a, “No. Remember, I tried to ask you why and you wouldn’t answer me?” (Explains the spanking, right?), or I would make up a reason. And oh man, if I guessed wrong then I would get another 30 minutes to sit and think about it. And the bad part about that was I knew I still was unlikely going to be able to figure it out by then either. So I would cry and throw a tantrum often kicking and screaming trying to beat down my bedroom door. I just could not understand what wrong I had done to deserve such punishment.

The good news is if we take a good look at God through His word we see the wrestling, the grieving, the weeping and the lament. It is all a part of our worship response to a God that is bigger than we can even imagine. When life feels in disarray, when our relationships fall apart, when we feel like we are in exile wandering in the wilderness, when we desperately need to know why, it is okay to lament. It is okay to grieve and it is okay to wonder and doubt. We worship a God that is big enough, strong enough and compassionate enough to deal with our real emotions. When we ask God why questions it doesn’t lead to disappointment or a surge in His wrath. Rather, He reveals Himself in greater ways.

We don’t have to pretend to know why. We can ask Him and He will lead us beside still waters and respond to us. Every single time I yell and scream and try to kick down my bedroom door, He answers me. Though sometimes the answers seem slow in coming like they did as a child locked inside my bedroom. Often I think He just wants me to have 30 minutes to think about it and 30 minutes later I still don’t want to believe that He is good. That He is what is best for me. He allows me the freedom to wrestle and throw tantrums until I am ready to turn. Until I see Him for who He is; a God who grieves, a God who weeps and a God who desperately loves His people even through the whys.

Do you feel you can ask God why? Do you need to untie a bow around your worship to him and bring Him everything? Even your doubt?

The Narcissistic Worshiper

I love how personal God is. I love how He came down and rescued me. I am grateful that He has changed my life, broken chains, and taken my shame and placed it on Himself. Those are incredible lengths to go for a sinner like me.  I don’t know about you, but the people I encounter on a daily basis don’t tend to do that. Every single day I come into contact with people who have selfish motives (including myself). I have repeatedly used and taken advantage of people for what they do for me, and of course it has been done to me in return. People “love” me when I do things for them. They rave about all the great things I do and that seems nice, I guess. But a couple of years ago that all changed for me.

My family and I were going through a transition. During that time people kept coming to us, over and over, telling us what a “great” family we are. That should seem nice, right? But what came next just killed me a little more each time it was said. People kept saying we were “great” and then listing off what we do for them via our talents and works. I knew in my heart that the only reason I had any of those things was because of who God is. I am breathing because of Him. I have a “great” family because of Him. I have talents and good works ONLY because of Him, which on my best days are still not that “good.”

Our family was incredibly sad through our transition because all these people seemed to point to was what we did. There were no statements made to us that pointed to who we were, and we were the same people before we did anything for anyone there. Our goal was never to have others thinking we were a cool, trendy and hip musical family. Our mission was to simply be living sacrifices. To love and serve others as God loved and served us. We didn't want to be known for anything we did or any talent that we had. We didn't want accolades, we just wanted to be loved and cared for as people through our transition. We discovered some of these people didn't know who we were at all. If they did they would have known that only one of our family members is really the cool, hip, musical one. (Just kidding.) But seriously, we felt awful. And I kept thinking, “Don’t they know that we only do what we do because of who we are?”

Through all of this I had to stop and face the facts that the way I related to God was often just like this. I worshiped Him for what He did for me, often failing to consider who He is. I realized God had done amazing things in my life because of who He is, and not the other way around. I was a narcissistic worshiper. It was all about me. What He had done for me. How He died for me. How He rescued me. How He set me free. And I kept thinking God must be asking the same thing of me, “Doesn't she know that we only do what we do because of who we are?”

My view was so backwards. I had been worshiping Him thinking that what He did for me declares who He is. So it is no surprise that when I couldn't see Him doing amazing things in my life my offering of worship was different and my thoughts of who He is changed. But God didn't. He is the same. He is Holy. He is Mighty, Powerful, Victorious, and Good. He is King, Rescuer, Messiah, Lord, Redeemer, Deliverer, and the Creator of the universe. And I was coming to Him saying you are “great” and then I had my list of things that would cause me to sing louder and lift my hands a little higher during worship. All things that He did for me. But He was great before He did anything for anyone.

I think that God loves it when we proclaim all the great things He has done for us and we should be utterly grateful. But, if we don’t have an understanding of who He is we tend to glory in our salvation instead of how marvelous He is. We fail to really see and recognize all He has done for us and that He alone is the treasure; not eternity free from sin, guilt, shame, suffering, and pain. Those things will all be great after living in this fallen world but wouldn't one day in His courts be worth anything. One moment in His presence is going to be better than anything we could ever ask or imagine.

I now stop and consider what I am saying when I sing to God about taking my sin and shame away. He didn't just take it away like a genie in a bottle. It didn't just vanish into thin air while He waved a magic wand. He took it on Himself. He carried my cross, bore my shame and was whipped with the chains that held me captive in my sin. That is a different picture than we tend to have when we get our praise on. The gospel is bigger than me. It is about a perfect triune God who longs to live and share His own perfect fellowship with all of humanity.

God was worthy to be worshiped before He did anything for anyone. All of the wealth that He has and the generosity He pours out are only because of who He is. I want my whole life to bow down in reverence to Him regardless of where my story is at. I want to see Him in all of humanity no matter where their story is at. I believe that is where true worship begins. When we die to worship with no agenda, position or stance, and simply chose to worship Him for who He is. And worship continues through loving and caring for creation right where they are simply because of who they are. They are His.

photo credit: thejourneybyally.com

“Worship the LORD in the splendor of holiness; tremble before him, all the earth! Say among the nations, “The LORD reigns! Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved; he will judge the peoples with equity.” Psalm 96:9-10