Competing Love

We really love competition. We fight to be the best, to be the greatest, to be the most deserved. We ask: who is the best singer, the best bachelor, the best football team?  Who could be the next top model? Who can have the most ridiculous house or car? We have businesses competing with each other to create the next best thing. We even have churches feeling threatened by one another and then competing for the greatest number of followers. With this being such a rich part of our culture these days it is no surprise that we compete for love.

When my daughter was little, after her brothers would get in trouble for something, she would look up at me with a cheesy grin and say, “I wasn’t doing that like the boys were.”  And this type of thing is no different in the grown up, business world. We want to be the best employee or we want to be the greatest boss. We compete over jobs and more disturbingly we compete for attention. Instead of completing a team our tendency is to want to stand out or get ahead. We can even start to think we are better than others and want our boss to think so, too. When we feel threatened by someone else we too are likely to compete for the most followers by trying to get others on our side. And what if someone you thought was on your side starts getting along with the competition? What if they start liking them more than you? What if they become the next best thing? What if it didn’t matter?

What if you knew you were loved the same whether you were doing the right or wrong thing?  What if you knew you were loved the same as an employee whether you were the best at your job or not? What if you knew you were loved the same whether you screwed up the same thing once or seventy times seven? What if you knew you were loved the same yesterday, today and tomorrow? What if you knew that you could not be loved more or less than you are right now? What if you knew that you could not be loved anymore or any less than the person standing right next to you? That competing is a waste of time and energy. That we are all loved not because we deserve it for what we do. That we need not compete for affection or love because Love won us.

How would it look if we all knew we were loved like that? How would it look if we humbly appreciated our co-workers, neighbors, brothers and sisters and looked out for their best interest rather than our own? How would it look if we stopped competing with each other and valued others above ourselves? How would it look if we approached our relationships willing to die to serve; even to the point of sacrifice? How would it look if we all loved like Love won us?

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others., “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!” Phil. 2:1-8

Merging: When Different Roads Meet

Driving can be such an exasperating mission these days. Millions of people running around going from place to place with only themselves in mind. Their own journeys and destinations in front of them. One of the scariest of all driving experiences I have on a daily basis is a section of the freeway where cars are merging onto one freeway and less than ten cars lengths later there is an exit to merge onto a different freeway. Some cars want to stay on the freeway they are on. Some cars need to get over to merge onto that freeway while others want to get off that freeway and exit onto the other freeway. All of this needs to happen at the same time. And no matter what day or time it is, it seems to be a very challenging task.

 

The other day I was once again faced with that point in my drive, and I became frustrated by how it can be so difficult to make that happen every single day. I mean if people would just pay attention and drive with their eyes open it shouldn’t be so hard, right? I often become irritated as people pay no attention to the fact that I am trying to slow down or speed up to make room for them. They tend to complicate it by slowing down and trying to get over into the side of my car or racing up and cutting someone off three cars ahead of me when I had left them plenty of room to join the party.

 

You also get the many who think that if they are already on the freeway then it is the job of the person entering to figure it out for themselves how to get over. Or it is simply their tough luck if they end up having to get off on the wrong freeway. Then I thought about it and realized what it really takes to merge well. It is all of the participating people keeping their eyes up and looking to what is both ahead and behind them so they can successfully merge together without colliding. (Oh, and using a blinker to help communicate what you are intending to do is also helpful.) But by law aren’t those that are on the freeway supposed to get over and make room?

 

Isn’t that where we go wrong as a church? We make such a mess when we merge together as one body. People coming from different places with different paths they have been on; some chosen and some not. But all with stories that have brought them to this place where all these different roads meet and you can either successful merge together or force someone off onto another freeway. Sometimes it is because we are not willing to make room for someone else. Especially someone too “dumb” to figure out how the freeway works. Hmm? (Oh come on! You’ve thought it before, too.)

 

Sometimes it is because we refuse to look back and remember where we came from. At some point we too had to merge on in order to get there. We forget that once upon a time someone let us in. We think that the person who is just entering should be up to speed with the new freeway from the moment they enter. We think, “Man, they drive too slowly.” Or, “Gosh, they just seem to want to run people over and cut across six lanes of traffic. Don’t they know how long I have been here trying to get to the same place?” And suddenly it becomes a competition. We forget that none of us deserve to be there. We didn’t create the freeway and we sure don’t own it.

 

Being the church can be such an exasperating mission these days. So how then do we successfully merge? How then do we expect to be one body that avoids collisions especially when some seem to provoke them? Do we need to look both in front of ourselves and behind? Do we need to keep others in mind? I think it starts with remembering who made two groups into one new humanity. Who destroyed the barrier and the dividing wall of hostility? Who reconciled all to God through the cross? Who is our peace and through who do we all have access? “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.” (2 Cor. 5:18-19)

 

Therefore, we must remember we are ministers of reconciliation. “So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view.” (2 Cor. 5:16)  We get to be a place not of tolerance but of love. We get to make room for our brothers and sisters and not regard them as the world does but be the place where all social distinctions are rendered irrelevant. A place where Asian, Caucasian, Jew, Gentile, rich, poor, gay, straight, male, and female are no longer foreigners and strangers but fellow citizens. Members of His household. “In Him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in Him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by His spirit.” (Eph. 2:21-22)

 

So Go! Be ambassadors. Be ministers of reconciliation. Make room and merge well and think of others as Christ thinks of you. While you were once a slave you are now an heir.  A son or daughter of the most high. You have a new identity. Remember at some point you had to merge on in order to get there. Once upon a time someone let you in. So, let us make room and be ONE and, “Make it our goal to please Him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.” (2 Cor. 5:9) 

    

 

                               

"Community" Abuse - Why you still feel alone in a room full of people

The search for community seems to be a growing trend over this past decade. We see it in things like Twitter and Facebook. Social media sells us a false sense of being connected to other people. I know that I desire to have relationships in my life. If I update my status and someone likes it, it can make me feel like someone cares about me. Maybe they think I‘m funny or simply remember that I am still alive. I can have 1000 Facebook friends, get 100 likes on a picture or share a story that others comment on, but I can still feel alone.

 

I can be married for twenty years and still feel alone. I can be a mother of four and still feel alone. I can go to church and surround myself with people and still feel alone. I can even give Jesus my whole life and still feel alone. So why have I been taught by well-meaning people that the reason I feel alone is because I am looking to others for my fulfillment and that I need to just give it to God and He will make me not feel that way? He alone will satisfy and everything I need is in Christ.

 

While I do believe I have everything I need in Christ alone, I find one gigantic flaw in current messages about loneliness. I can still feel alone with Jesus as my fulfillment. I am not talking about joy or contentment. I am talking about a genuine feeling of disconnectedness; a feeling of being alone even when you are surrounded by a room full of people.

 

Nothing makes me cringe more than the message, “You need to be in community together.” It seems to be a good message at first, but when we start to use it as a quick fix to feeling connected or being known we leave people feeling empty. I have sat and talked with many people who feel alone and have even wrestled with this myself over the last few years. It seems we are often quick to blame the lonely for not trying to get more involved or getting themselves into a small group where they can have “community.”

 

But God doesn’t want us to just "be in community with one another.” Jesus didn’t come to earth, live a sinless but tempted life and die a brutal death for us to sit in a living room together and rehash what the pastor said on Sunday morning. He did all that because of who He is, a loving Father who would do anything to be reconciled to His children and have a relationship with them. But that is not all. He also wants His children to be reconciled one to another. That is why He says if you don’t love your brother you don’t love Him. If we are not willing to forgive our brother or sister, than He will not forgive us. The two cannot be divorced.  It is through this that we can experience true intimacy like Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

 

The problem with teaching that says, “You only need Jesus” is it doesn’t take into consideration that God Himself looked at Adam and said it is “not good” for man to be alone. So was God not there? Was Adam not in relationship with God? Not if you read the text. So, there must be more to the story of being alone than just having Jesus to fulfill us. We are meant to be one with God. When we hear this we think of “me, myself, and God,” but that is not what He had in mind. He had something far greater in mind; all of His people in community with Him through reconciliation.

 

But, too often we want to jump right into to calling something community and it is void of any reconciliation. Have you ever been asked to be in a community group and when you got there you weren’t accepted? Maybe you experienced judgment, pride, or even hatred towards you or others in the group. People might have pretended to get along and exchanged pleasantries but there was no depth. There were no real relationships. There was no intimacy. No one called each other during the week and when someone didn’t show up instead of reaching out to the missing person assumptions were made about them. This is how we can still feel alone when we are desperately in love with Jesus, in a room full of people involved in a “community” group.

 

It is also not about forcing yourself to be in a community group with people who think differently than you. The very definition of community is a group of people who share common values or beliefs. It is so much bigger than just “being in community.” It is about being reconciled so intimately with one another that we are interwoven together ONLY by Him. Just like the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are one, we are to be like that. - ONE!

 

This is the community we desire deep inside of us. This is the community we were created to be in. It is not easy especially with those who hurt us or make assumptions about us. However, if we allow Him to show us how to give grace and mercy like we have received, forgive like we were forgiven, and love like we are loved it is possible to enter a life group, community group, small group, home group or church and not feel alone. But it starts with reconciliation; not just to the Father, but to one another.

 

Receive and Pass On

When my youngest son Morgan turned ten he discovered his love for soccer. First it was new and he thought it was kind of fun to get in there and learn how to play. As he grew to understand it more he now is completely passionate about it and wants to play every chance he gets. 

The other day we were getting into the car to go kick the ball around at the local soccer field when he started telling us about playing soccer during recess. He told us about how another boy was really impressed by his moves and tricks. When Morgan showed him how he can do a cross behind kick, the boy was like, “Wow!” This kid was captivated by Morgan and I thought to myself, “Oh, no. Here we go. He is going to try to show off now and become an idol.”

But I continued to listen to him as he described what happened next. Rather than telling the other kid to watch another sweet move he can do or arrogantly telling him that he knows he is good, Morgan simply said to him, “Hey, I am happy to show you.”

Wow, I thought. He is ten and he gets it. And it really is that simple. He has received training, skills, gifts and talent and rather than use it for his own glory he is willing to pass it on. He isn't going to try to hoard it, or try to be the best or even show off. Instead he was willing to humbly say to the other boy, “I will teach you everything I know.”

He may learn more from teaching someone else than that person ever gets from him. And as Morgan begins to teach his friend how to do certain things Morgan may mess up himself and even miss the goal. He will fail and have to explain to the other boy that he missed the mark and get up and try again. 

The other boy will also fail as he begins learning these new skills. It isn't going to come to him the first day or on the first try, but it is about growing, learning and becoming more like a soccer player every day. This is discipleship. Receiving and passing on. Teaching someone else and pointing them to a common goal while you yourself are fully in the game and continuing to learn as well.

When I first receive something new and it is fun I want to keep it to myself. I want to just enjoy it! However, as it brings me joy I become passionate about it and want to share it. But sometimes there is a tendency for me to think I have earned something on my own and then I feel entitled to keep it. I hoard it and do not share it.

At times I feel threatened by someone else who has more than me or might take the glory from me and I stop passing on to protect myself. I mean I don’t want to end up on the side line while someone else gets to be in the game because I taught them everything I know and now they have become greater than me. Sometimes they will even take credit for something I have shown them how to do.

At that point have I not lost sight of the mission? Is it about receiving and passing on or about being the greatest? Is about giving away something I have been given to reach a common goal or about others following me? I mean do I want someone who begins looking like me or looking like a “soccer player”? If the goal is winning the game is it not best for me to stand back at times and simply coach and encourage those who are in the game? Even the ones who are now “better” than me.

Whether in our work place, our neighborhoods, churches or schools we can either believe that we have been given everything we have and have received it in order to pass it on. Or we can hoard what we have and believe that we somehow had something to do with how we got to a certain place ourselves.

I own nothing. The more I have grown in that knowledge, the more I want to give away everything I have every chance that I get. And the goal no longer is for me to get anything in return. I mean have I not received everything I have in order to pass it on anyways? I no longer need to get the glory or worry about someone taking credit for the things I have taught them because they weren't really my things to begin with. I have no need to feel threatened by others even those who know more than me. I simply get the joy of receiving what I have been given and inviting others to share in it by passing it on.

Under The Rug

A few weeks ago my ten year old son was asked to brainstorm ideas for a personal memoir at school. In doing so, all of his ideas came back to times he spent with his big brother. He decided to write about when we went to his big brother’s military graduation and he became overwhelmed with emotion. He misses his big brother. He has so many sweet memories with him and that is a beautiful thing. But sometimes there is pain in the mist of something beautiful and there is weeping over the loss of it. So how do we respond? My concern is, often we respond by avoiding it. His teacher, though I know she meant well, took him into the hallway and suggested that maybe he write about something else…something less painful.

Have you ever been responded to in that way? I know I have many times in my life. I needed to talk to someone about something utterly painful or I was dealing with a loss in my life and it was extremely raw. Every time it was brought up I began to weep; sometimes even wail or get angry. And what is worse than being vulnerable and crying in front of someone is when they lift up the rug. Instead of being available to you, a shoulder to cry on, a leg to stand on, or an ear to listen (really listen), they lift up the rug and sweep you under it.

I mean do we really think that by not talking about pain it will somehow just miraculously go away? Do we think that if we throw someone under the rug that it will somehow turn into a magic carpet that sweeps them away to the land of make believe where everyone is smiling and happily singing, “It’s A Small World”?

I wonder what we as the church would be like if we really meant it when we said, “Come as you are.” If we really meant it when we said, “You need to be ‘in community’ with one another.”  If, when we invite someone to come out of hiding, we actually listen to them and point them to Jesus instead of judging them, trying to fix them, or trying to get them to see how we see. If we would offer to pray with them instead of putting flowery words over their pain saying, “It’s all going to work out,” while quickly moving onto another less upsetting topic.

My favorite has to be when people try to guess why God is doing something in my life. People have caused me more pain from trying to do that because they often indirectly accuse me, as if my sin is the reason why I am going through a difficult time. Sometimes that could be. But sometimes innocent people are hurt because someone else isn’t following God’s plan. Is that really that hard for us to understand? Have we not all felt the weight of our own sin as well as the weight of someone else’s sin on us?

What has happened to you when you have come out of hiding before or shared from your heart? I know I have been attacked for feeling a certain way and expressing it. What has happened to you when you have cried and expressed deep pain about something? Have you ever experienced just good old-fashioned avoidance? “Let’s not talk about it. Let’s pretend it didn’t even happen. Let’s pretend you are not struggling in that area because it is just too messy. Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

We need to lay down the rug and perhaps nail it to the floor. There is no light under there. We need each other to lift our eyes and allow God to expose what He needs to expose. That is where healing can begin; when we come out of hiding and stop pretending. His holiness can be trusted to reveal all that is needed. Let us be the church that invites others to seek His face with us. Let’s be the church that isn’t shocked when people sin or are sinned against and love one another as Christ has loved us. Pain can be beautiful. Let us be willing to die to ourselves and allow the rug to get messy so others can have life.

Labels

As parents we want to see our children do well and feel good. When my oldest was little I hated to see him cry it tore at my mommy heart strings to watch his lip quiver and tears stream down his cheeks. As he got older he learned how to manipulate me with his emotions and he started to throw fits. He would kick and scream and try to get his way and somewhere along the line I am sure I labeled him strong-willed. I know my own mom was glad to see me get my due as I was also a very difficult young girl.

 

Then my second child was born. When he wanted his way he just did what he wanted and disregarded what he was being told as if he couldn’t hear us. The oldest was a fit thrower, and the younger was an ignorer. They were like night and day. The oldest was athletic and wanted to fit in and the second was into music and walking to the beat of his own drum. The oldest became a baseball player and was defined by it. The second was a guitar player and was defined by that. People often asked us why our second son didn’t play baseball like his brother as if it was what all boys should do. But we allowed them each to explore their bend and discover the way God had uniquely designed them to be. They had both found what they were good at and there is nothing wrong with that, right?

 

But what happens to us if we are defined by what we do? What happens to us if we are defined by our behaviors? It becomes our identity. So my oldest son’s identity was a strong-willed baseball player and my second son’s identity was a laid–back guitar player who likes to be an individual. Even I grew up knowing that I was a defiant, ornery little stinker who gave looks that could kill and never cried at movies. Maybe growing up someone called you difficult or labeled you a bully or announced, “Here comes trouble” every time you entered the room. Or perhaps you were labeled by “good” behaviors like nice or polite.

 

Somewhere along the way your teachers, coaches, parents or friends have labeled you or boxed you in because you were a certain way or had or didn’t have a certain skill. It seems we have all been given labels at some point in our lives and if you are like me you felt the need to live up to them. They define who you are and they affect how you see yourself. You may even feel the need to be that person on the outside but on the inside that is not who you really are. You end up feeling trapped by these labels and they become your identity. And what happens if you stop being a baseball player, or a bully or “nice”?  You have an identity crisis, right? You no longer know who you are.

 

But what would happen if we defined our children by their true identity? What would happen if from day one we pointed them to their maker and told them how much they are loved despite their behavior? That they are wonderfully made. That they were chosen and dearly loved before the creation of the world. That they are the workmanship of the creator of the whole universe. That they are a holy temple and a dwelling place for the Holy Spirit.  That they are a child of God and there is no greater identity than that. That they are a sheep of His pasture and that they have everything they need in Him. They need to look no further. They need not put their hope in anything else. They have nothing and are nothing apart from Him. The very breath in their lungs comes from the one who laid down His life so that they could have a new life free from these labels.

 

The enemy is always going to try to rob us of our true identity and get us to believe God is holding out on us and our children are not immune to this. He will use labels and try to deceive us all. He will try to get us to see ourselves better or worse than we ought to. I want my children to know that these are lies. That it’s a trap and that nothing is greater than the identity that is available to them in Christ. Sin will look less appealing when we define ourselves by who we are in Him. Image-bearers. Ministers of reconciliation. Blameless. Set Free.

 

As parents we want to see our children do well and feel good. Our children will misbehave and they will believe lies. They will throw fits and embarrass us and they will hit the winning homerun and make us proud. But that is not who they are. So, remind them of the truth every day so they can choose to believe in life over lies, freedom over sin and their true identity over labels. Help your children to see who they are by who God is, not by what they do.

 

 

Chains

Before I knew who Jesus was I lived my life for myself. I didn’t understand that I had a Creator. I didn’t understand that I had a Savior and a Redeemer. I thought life was mine to live and boy was I living it. My lifestyle led to many chains. I was trapped and enslaved by what I later knew as sin. It led me to feeling lonely, shameful, anxious, and just plain out of control at times.

 

As I stepped into a new life I was taught that these chains that enslaved me no longer had a hold on me. Though there were plenty of days those first several years where it felt like they did, I started believing in how God saw me as His much loved child. I was His beautiful daughter worth saving and breathing new life into.  I started to allow Him to take off the chains that He had broken long before I was ready to let them go. Eventually I was no longer haunted by my past regrets and sins because I allowed Him to take them from me completely. But as I stood worshipping God now, some 25 years later, I realized I must really love chains.

 

Break every chain was playing over and over in my mind; it was pouring out of my mouth and stirring something deep in my heart. For years I have loved singing that refrain because in those moments I would celebrate all that I know He is because of all that He has done in my life. So why do I insist on wearing chains like they are accessory to who I am? They are not comfortable. They are ugly. They dig in and cause pain in my life. They make me feel like a wild animal that is desperate to break free from a cage at the zoo. But there I was in shackles again.

 

These chains did not look like my old ones, but I had managed to find new ones. Instead of being a slave to myself I was now a slave to others. I had allowed the people in my life to put chains back on me. People that don’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated. People who expect me to carry their weight as well as my own. People who think they are better than me, who slander me, who disrespect me and play games with me. People who compete with me and try to pass their insecurities off onto me. I had strapped a brand new shiny set of chains back on myself. I was now enslaved again.

 

These new chains caused me to try and defend myself when I already have a Defender. These new chains caused me to become frustrated with others and blame them for making me carry their weight. These new chains wanted me to shout to others, “You are not better than me. I am not who you say I am. Do you not know who I am? I am an important person. I am a person and I have feelings that can be trampled on and hurt.”

 

Why do I want these chains when I can have a life free of slavery? Why would I go back to being beaten and abused, taken advantage of and tricked, mocked and spit on? Why would I go back to being a slave to someone else or even myself again? Why would I put on new chains that are now engraved with competing with my brothers and sisters or judging others who live and struggle differently than me? Sometimes even judging those who struggle the same as me. At the end of it all it comes back to my identity. Who defines it?

 

Every day is a battle. When man chose to disobey God, man also chose to believe a lie. That God wasn’t enough and that fulfillment could be found elsewhere. But it was a trap. It still is. I have to choose to believe that by God’s grace I am no longer a slave but heir. When I allow my Creator the one who knows every detail of my life to define me, I live in freedom. The chains of self-righteousness, pride, deceit, envy, anxiousness, slander they are all exchanged for freedom in Him and replaced with His righteousness, humility, holiness, kindness, love and peace. I must choose to believe the truth. That fulfillment, freedom and peace only come from the one who created me, rescued me and redeemed me. He broke every chain to reconcile me to Himself so I can be free to live an intimate relationship with Him and man.

 

I must stop exchanging my old chains for new ones. My brothers and sisters are not my enemy. They struggle, too. They fail to see their true identity every day, too. I must look to my Creator for my identity. He took the crown of thorns to give me a royal crown. He took the shackles off me feet so I could be set free. I am humbled as I remember by grace I am saved and freed. Not just for me, but also to pour out grace on my brothers and sisters, whether they are in Christ yet or not. When I stop competing and defending and exchange all of my chains for His freedom I just might lead someone else to find freedom as well.

 

 

 

“God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them.” Gen 1:27

 

“You have searched me and known me! For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Ps 139

 

“For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons (and daughters) of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons (and daughters), by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”  Rom. 8:14-15

 

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” 1 Peter 2:9

 

“To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” Eph. 4:22-24