What if...

When did it get so difficult to form relationships?

The other day my eight year old and I were at the pool. I noticed he began swimming with another boy and wondered if they knew each other. When my son got out of the pool I asked him, “Do you know him?” And my son responded, “Yeah, that’s Ben. We ride the bus together. First, I sat next to a kid named Brandon and then Ben came. He sat with us and that is how it all began.” 

Hmm… That’s it, I thought. They just sat on the bus together and became friends. At what age does that stop? If I sat on a bus today would I even speak to the person sitting next to me? Would I even choose to sit next to anyone? What would I say if I did?

I got closer to the boys as they sat at the edge of the pool and listened. Maybe I could learn from what they say. They were talking about video games! That’s when it started to become clear.

At some point relationships had become more difficult because life had become more complicated than video games. I am no longer eight. I now make assumptions about people. I have expectations. I have fears. I might even feel the need to pretend, to be what the person on the bus wants me to be.

Maybe we don’t talk to people on buses because we are afraid. We are afraid to put ourselves out there. We are afraid of not measuring up. We are afraid we wouldn’t have anything to talk about. That we would end up sitting in awkward silence after a meaningless conversation about the weather. And why the weather? Because it is safe. Safe like video games. 

I mean what if I ask, “How are you doing?” and the person doesn’t reply with “Fine.” What if I am trapped on the bus unable to move away and the person tells me he just lost his job or that her daughter has cancer or he admits he has considered ending his life? What if their life is a mess? What if they see the dark places in my heart that I try to hide? I only got on the bus to get from point A to point B. I didn’t ask to take a detour through brokenness and pain. Through the messiness of someone’s life, let alone, having to be transparent about my own.

Maybe we should stick with talking about the weather on the bus. Maybe we should stick with only answering the preset questions in our small groups. Maybe we should call people only when they can do something for us. Maybe we should avoid making eye contact with people when we are in a hurry. Maybe we should stay away from people when we hurt them.

They are messy.

But what would life be like if we dared to ask the question, “How are you doing? No, how are you really doing?” And what if we took the time to listen. No, really listen. To hear what is on their heart and get messy on their messiness.  To really get to know them and where they are at in life. To get to know where they come from. What if we stopped making assumptions and judgments about their life? What if we really cared about them and didn’t expect anything in return? Just a genuine willingness to swim in the often murky water of the story God has given. The story where God is the main character and He gives us every encounter and every relationship. Relationships that begin by sitting on a bus next to someone, asking questions and swimming through the answers. Whatever they may be.