Letting GO

It has been eighteen years since my oldest was born. I loved Him before I even knew he was being formed inside of me. He was a part of me and I would do anything to protect him. He was my son and I would do anything to provide for him.  And I think I caught a glimpse of what God must have felt when He created man.

While I carried him inside of me I would walk by an old delivery truck on my way to college every morning. The exhaust was so terrible I remember holding my breath to keep it from hurting him and his immature lungs. After he was born I walked by that same truck as I pushed him tucked securely in his stroller. And I held my breath. In that moment I knew that I could no longer protect him in the same way I had for nine months. He was in the world now and the things of this world would try to come against my provisions for him. I would do my best to keep him safe, comforted, and protected. I would do my best to love him unconditionally, teach him truth, and provide him with the things he needed. But I knew one day he would make his own choices. I couldn’t protect him forever. I couldn’t choose for him forever. I had to let go and choose to trust in God’s provisions for him.

Through the teenage years this was tough. As a parent you really want to protect your child from making any mistakes. You want to protect your child from getting hurt or experiencing any pain at all. And I think I caught a glimpse of what God felt when Eve chose to eat the fruit.

You can give your children everything that is good, right and true and they still will choose to believe the lies of the enemy. They will still need to find out for themselves if what they were told is truly good, right and true. We don’t want that for them because we know that if they chase anything but their creator they will be right where Eve was and right where you and I have been. But that is the amazing thing about grace and about who God is. Even after Eve ate the fruit God did not stop the conversation with her. When we look to other things to fulfill us He still chases us. He still chooses to come after us with His unrelenting, steadfast love.

So chase your teen. By that I mean, love them and teach them about the garden and how you too were there. Don’t give up trying to have conversations. Tell them the reason you want to hold tightly is that you are afraid to let go because you know that they will want to chase after things. And chasing anything but bringing glory to God is a dead end. Teach them that there are consequences to disobedience. But most importantly show them the cross and how much they are loved. Model for them that they don’t have to hide like Eve did. They don’t have to pretend. They can come to you just as they are and you will have ring and robe in hand. And then let them choose. Because that is what a loving parent would do.


“While the son was still a long way off, his father saw him. He was filled with tender love for his son. He ran to him. He threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer fit to be called your son.’

 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattest calf and kill it. Let’s have a big dinner and celebrate. This son of mine was dead. And now he is alive again. He was lost. And now he is found.’ “So they began to celebrate.” Luke 15:20-24

eight-TEEN

It has been eighteen years since my oldest was born. I loved Him before I even knew he was being formed inside of me. He was a part of me and I would do anything to protect him. He was my son and I would do anything to provide for him.  And I think I caught a glimpse of what God must have felt when He created man.

 

While I carried him inside of me I would walk by an old delivery truck on my way to college every morning. The exhaust was so terrible I remember holding my breath to keep it from hurting him and his immature lungs. After he was born I walked by that same truck as I pushed him tucked securely in his stroller. And I held my breath. In that moment I knew that I could no longer protect him in the same way I had for nine months. He was in the world now and the things of this world would try to come against my provisions for him. I would do my best to keep him safe, comforted, and protected. I would do my best to love him unconditionally, teach him truth, and provide him with the things he needed. But I knew one day he would make his own choices. I couldn’t protect him forever. I couldn’t choose for him forever. I had to let go and choose to trust in God’s provisions for him.

 

Through the teenage years this was tough. As a parent you really want to protect your child from making any mistakes. You want to protect your child from getting hurt or experiencing any pain at all. And I think I caught a glimpse of what God felt when Eve chose to eat the fruit.

 

You can give your children everything that is good, right and true and they still will choose to believe the lies of the enemy. They will still need to find out for themselves if what they were told is truly good, right and true. We don’t want that for them because we know that if they chase anything but their creator they will be right where Eve was and right where you and I have been. But that is the amazing thing about grace and about who God is. Even after Eve ate the fruit God did not stop the conversation with her. When we look to other things to fulfill us He still chases us. He still chooses to come after us with His unrelenting, steadfast love.

 

So chase your teen. By that I mean, love them and teach them about the garden and how you too were there. Don’t give up trying to have conversations. Tell them the reason you want to hold tightly is that you are afraid to let go because you know that they will want to chase after things. And chasing anything but bringing glory to God is a dead end. Teach them that there are consequences to disobedience. But most importantly show them the cross and how much they are loved. Model for them that they don’t have to hide like Eve did. They don’t have to pretend. They can come to you just as they are and you will have ring and robe in hand. And then let them choose. Because that is what a loving parent would do.

 

“While the son was still a long way off, his father saw him. He was filled with tender love for his son. He ran to him. He threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer fit to be called your son.’

 

“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattest calf and kill it. Let’s have a big dinner and celebrate. This son of mine was dead. And now he is alive again. He was lost. And now he is found.’ “So they began to celebrate.” Luke 15:20-24

The Price of Forgiveness

The other day I was brought back to a place that I should have known as shelter and instead I knew as pain. I entered full of a joy, not of my own, but soon felt it fade as I began to look around me. I started to think of the heartache that I felt the last time I had been there. I thought I had forgiven, but now I was face to face with the very instrument that had caused me to hurt deep into my soul. I wanted desperately to forgive and to harbor no bitterness or rage in my heart, but there I was standing at its feet. I was torn as to which way to look. Do I look to keep rehashing the pain or do I choose to be done? As I looked on I pictured the cross and thought, “Oh man, forgiveness sucks!”

I started to think about the cost. About the length that the Creator of the universe went to forgive me. I almost laughed in spite of myself as I thought about how I have wanted to hate people in the past because they have brought me pain. I started to realize how quick I am to become angry or “hate” someone over even just one false statement or accusation. And let’s just assume for a minute I am perfect. Let’s just assume I have never done any of these wrong things myself to anyone. Let’s just assume the only thing I have ever done is love with a pure, unconditional, steadfast love. Would I give my life for the people who hurt me? Would I leave my perfect home where I am praised every minute of every day to go and be mocked and tortured and beaten and die for all the people who have wronged me? There are days I wonder if I would even do that for my best friends and family members; the ones who treat me with love and respect. Oh yeah, forgiveness sucks!

At least it does when I look at what has been done to me. But isn’t it crazy when I look at what has been done for me? I have been forgiven. The One and Only, Holy God, and Creator of the universe, freely chose to leave His perfect home and give His life for me. To rescue me. To redeem me. To forgive me. He chose me. And let’s just be honest I am not perfect. I have done to Him and others the very same wrongs that have been done to me. I have not loved Him or others with a pure, unconditional, steadfast love. I didn’t receive forgiveness because I deserve it. So why should I choose to forgive only if someone deserves it? I choose to forgive because He forgave me. Forgiveness requires me to die to serve. I chose to die to myself to serve the One and Only God who gave His life for me. To save me. To free me. To forgive me.

He chose to forgive me so I could have life. A life free to love and to live in relationship with Him and others.The price of forgiveness has already been paid.

Not just for me.

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15

What if...

When did it get so difficult to form relationships?

The other day my eight year old and I were at the pool. I noticed he began swimming with another boy and wondered if they knew each other. When my son got out of the pool I asked him, “Do you know him?” And my son responded, “Yeah, that’s Ben. We ride the bus together. First, I sat next to a kid named Brandon and then Ben came. He sat with us and that is how it all began.” 

Hmm… That’s it, I thought. They just sat on the bus together and became friends. At what age does that stop? If I sat on a bus today would I even speak to the person sitting next to me? Would I even choose to sit next to anyone? What would I say if I did?

I got closer to the boys as they sat at the edge of the pool and listened. Maybe I could learn from what they say. They were talking about video games! That’s when it started to become clear.

At some point relationships had become more difficult because life had become more complicated than video games. I am no longer eight. I now make assumptions about people. I have expectations. I have fears. I might even feel the need to pretend, to be what the person on the bus wants me to be.

Maybe we don’t talk to people on buses because we are afraid. We are afraid to put ourselves out there. We are afraid of not measuring up. We are afraid we wouldn’t have anything to talk about. That we would end up sitting in awkward silence after a meaningless conversation about the weather. And why the weather? Because it is safe. Safe like video games. 

I mean what if I ask, “How are you doing?” and the person doesn’t reply with “Fine.” What if I am trapped on the bus unable to move away and the person tells me he just lost his job or that her daughter has cancer or he admits he has considered ending his life? What if their life is a mess? What if they see the dark places in my heart that I try to hide? I only got on the bus to get from point A to point B. I didn’t ask to take a detour through brokenness and pain. Through the messiness of someone’s life, let alone, having to be transparent about my own.

Maybe we should stick with talking about the weather on the bus. Maybe we should stick with only answering the preset questions in our small groups. Maybe we should call people only when they can do something for us. Maybe we should avoid making eye contact with people when we are in a hurry. Maybe we should stay away from people when we hurt them.

They are messy.

But what would life be like if we dared to ask the question, “How are you doing? No, how are you really doing?” And what if we took the time to listen. No, really listen. To hear what is on their heart and get messy on their messiness.  To really get to know them and where they are at in life. To get to know where they come from. What if we stopped making assumptions and judgments about their life? What if we really cared about them and didn’t expect anything in return? Just a genuine willingness to swim in the often murky water of the story God has given. The story where God is the main character and He gives us every encounter and every relationship. Relationships that begin by sitting on a bus next to someone, asking questions and swimming through the answers. Whatever they may be.

A Beautiful Relationship

“Peacemaker, Fear Taker, Soul Soother, Storm Smoother, Light Shiner, Lost Finder, Cloud Lifter, Deliverer, Heart Toucher, Truth Lover, Mind Clearer, Sigh Hearer, Hand Holder, Consoler, Wound Binder, Tear Drier, Strength Giver, Provider...” (Peacemaker by Greg Ferguson)

This is a relationship. A beautiful relationship. A beautiful relationship between a Creator and His creation. When we know God this intimately it should compel us to know Him deeper and pour that out onto others. These are not things I desire on my own. On my best days I would still rather be provided for than to provide. I would still rather be consoled than to console or be protected over protecting someone else. But when I really understand and rest in the intimacy of my loving God I know that I am protected, consoled, and provided for and nothing can protect me, comfort me or provide for me better than the very One who created me.

This frees me and allows me to give myself away in the same way.  I become a reflection of who He is. When others look at me do they see a mirror that reflects the beauty of their Creator? Do I say things to people that build them up? Do I hold their hand and gently walk them towards His truth? Do I go to people when they are hurting so that they can be led to the One who heals better than anyone? Do I rescue them from hiding and dry their tears on His pillow of comfort?  Do I give strength to those who are struggling to stand so that through my physical body others can feel an invisible God? Do I hear the sighs of the broken? Am I willing to ask my creator to reveal how every person I am in contact with needs to see Him, feel Him or touch Him today and then shine His light on them? Or maybe I am more concerned with protecting myself. Licking my own wounds. Smoothing the storms of my own life.

A relationship doesn’t look the way we often think. We often think a relationship is give a little, get a little. If we give a lot we can and do expect a lot in return. But that is not God’s design. He gives to us things we could never repay. He gives to us things we don’t deserve. He gives to us expecting nothing in return. Am I a friend like that or do I pursue people on the account of what they can do for me? Do I genuinely love God’s people because I am so intimately related to Him that what grieves Him grieves me? Or am I loving and nice in order to manipulate the people around me to do things? I mean even if they are things like trying to persuade people to follow Jesus, attend church, grow church, or serve in the church it is still conditional, strings attached, love.

I am so thankful that God is not that kind of Friend, Father, or Rescuer to me. I am thankful that He chose me while I was no use to Him whatsoever. As I trust in who He is and allow His Spirit to fill me, I no longer need creation to fill me and I can freely pour into creation what God pours into me. Unconditional Love.

This is a relationship. A beautiful relationship.

More Than A Paper Clip

One day I was at my son’s school for a special walk day at recess. On about the third lap around we noticed there was a teacher handing out paper clips and she asked my son if he wanted one. He didn’t realize that they were supposed to be getting paper clips for each lap they walked. He politely answered, “Yes.” She told him, “Here are two for starting out and then I will give you one more for walking that first lap.” My son kept walking, all the while the wheels were turning in his head. He was thinking over the fact that he had just been cheated out of a few paper clips because he hadn’t started getting them until his third lap. After a few minutes, he looked up at me and said, “I think I will just hide these in my pocket, and then, when I go around again, I will get three instead of only one.” He was quite smart to think about the fact that if he did this, he would again get the bonus two for starting and the one for the lap he had just completed. I guess he figured that then he would no longer be cheated out of what was rightfully his.

I asked him, “Wouldn’t that be lying?” I then continued to talk to him about how that would not be right. As we made our way around to the teacher with the paper clips again, we had to wait for the boy in front of us to receive his clip. The teacher asked the boy, “Was this your first lap?” The boy answered “yes” with a suspicious grin on his face. The teacher, knowing this boy, further questioned him with her eyebrows raised, “Really?” The boy then admitted that, no, it was in fact not his first lap. The teacher gave him the one paper clip he had earned and sent him on his way. (Apparently, there are a lot of clever boys in the third grade.)

It was then my son’s turn. He walked up to receive his clip, and as the teacher handed it to him, he looked up at her and admitted to her, with me, his responsible parent standing by his side, “I was going to do the same thing, so I could get more too.”

I was so embarrassed and humiliated that he would confess this to her. As we walked away, I had started to say, “Why in the world did you just tell her that,” but I stopped myself mid-sentence. I realized I was teaching my son to pretend. He was being honest about what was in his heart, and I was teaching him to pretend. I took a different approach and asked him, “Why didn’t you do it? Why didn’t you lie to get more?” He laughingly answered, “Because you told me not to.” Oh, this was getting better by the minute! So I asked him, “Do you think it should have been because that would have been dishonest? And dishonesty hurts you and hurts other people?” I asked him if lying would have been the “right” choice, and to my relief he agreed it would not have been.

After the laps were finished and it was time to go inside, over fifty kids were circled around the teacher with their hands out, waiting to receive their last paper clip. My son made his way over, but with all the pushing and shoving going on, he kept getting pushed back out of the circle. It didn’t take long for me to realize that it was going to take forever for him to get his last clip. I walked over to him and asked, “Is that paper clip that important to you?” He answered with a no and walked away with me with only four paper clips on his chain. I asked him, “How many laps did you walk?” He wasn’t sure but thought he had done about nine or so. I asked him, “Do you need a paper clip to show how many laps you did today?” He responded with a sincere “no.” He agreed that even if he had gotten one more paper clip, it still wouldn’t have been the right amount. I said to him, “You know how many laps you did, and that is all that matters. Besides what's really important is that we got to enjoy walking together today.”

It was time for him to line up with the other boys and girls in his class, and as we stood there, I realized the paper clips were apparently very important. They did matter to some. One boy had nine paper clips and the girl in front of my son had fourteen. It was a matter of pride. Each child wanted to be the one that had the most when they went back to class. They were trying to find their fulfillment in a paper clip.

I want to teach my children that they don’t need a prize to feel important, that they don’t need to try to be better than anyone, and that they certainly don’t need to pretend. What truly matters is what is going on in their hearts and there is only one thing that can fix all that is broken. And it's not a paper clip. There is only one who can heal why we want to be dishonest and come out ahead, and why we look to others to feel better about ourselves. There is only one who we can find our true identity in. And it's not a paper clip. It is the very person that we were created to get our fulfillment from in the first place. It is the very person that created us.

If you have been taught to pretend, go to Him like a child and confess the dishonesty of your heart, and let Him heal you. He loves you, and He wants to fill you up.  Let your identity be found in Him.

 

The Chase

I remember when my son was about two years old he loved to wander away from me. It used to scare me to the point I would have nightmares that he would wander away while I was feeding my daughter and I would not know where to find him.

When he would wander away I would look all over for him, my heart pounding and fear running through my veins. Then I would spot him and relief would set in. A sense of peace would come over me. And then he would look up and see me. And he would run. Away. Again.

The chase would begin. I would get close to catching him and then he would run the other way. He was afraid to be caught and I couldn’t bear losing him. He was afraid to face punishment and I just wanted to love him and keep him safe. I knew what could happen if he ran into the street. He didn’t. I knew what could happen if he didn’t stay with me, holding my hand. He didn’t. I knew he was worth risking my life for. He didn’t.

Do we understand that our Father wants to protect His children and keep them safe? Do we understand that He knows what can happen to us when we run from Him? Do we understand what can be if we stay with Him and hold His hand? Do we understand that He felt we were worth risking His life for? Do we live like we believe that He couldn’t bear losing us so much that He gave His one and only son to take our punishment?

Stop the chase. Surrender yourself and believe that He loves you and knows what is best. He is chasing you and the price had already been paid. Run into the arms of your Father and live inside the space where He is able to protect His much loved child.